Breaking up Microsoft isn't enough. What the court needs to do is start breaking kneecaps. -- The BSD Daemon, when asked by Humorix for his reaction to the proposed Microsoft two-way split
dailynews Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
You jdbc downloads and specifications look tired.
In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take my advice. -- Winston Churchill
Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
Have a coke and a smile! en -- John DeLorean
Linux, because we don't need no steenkin' Blue Screen of Death!
Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows!
Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
"Does it object computing, inc. - java news brief - june 2004 worry you that you don't talk any kind of sense? "
You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles are the biggest bastards on earth. -- John Lennon
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. -- Keith Richards I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of bad taste. -- Keith Richards
"I think what we need to do is convince people who live in the lands they live in to build the nations." George W. Bush October 11, 2000 Presidential Debate -- Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? -- writing for sswug.org Kelvin Throop III
It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of attention, the harder the task. -- Sydney J. Harris
You have an java news brief::oci::october issue ability to sense and know higher truth.
Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
Hear about... one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
about us Windows NT - Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
Oliver's Law: Experience is something you write results of sql select statement to an outfile don't get until just after you need it.
A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis Wished to foster an aura of menace. To make people afraid He wore gloves of grey suede And white footgear intended for tennis. -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom dbtools software - welcome to dbtools software get burned, and the scum rises to the top. -- Utah Phillips
Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. -- Anatole France
Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan? text flat file oracle export table A: A good start.
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card That a young man married is a young man marred. -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
An exotic young lady named Suki Once danced in a troupe of kabuki When asked for a fuck She said, "Solly, no luck-- See contact us here: looky looky, no nuki "
Hermes: news > post > entry form "The poor demented honky."
National Weather Service advice for those threatened by severe thunderstorms: "Go inside a sturdy building and stay away from WINDOWS!" -- Ben Bullock
"How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?" George W. Bush February 16, 2000 Comment made in Beaufort, South Carolina.
We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan for chess. -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's "Stalin," published London, 1939
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd sql server magazine offer details down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. "And what is jdbc downloads and specifications *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. "I am told a pogrom is being prepared against the Jews and the barbers," replies Rosenberg. "Why the barbers?" "Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave."
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work db2 performance expert for multiplatforms v2 until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procrastination.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. -- Samuel Butler
Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason orafaq why. -- Hunter S. Thompson
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
Calculon: An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering rats' nest called television once and for all.
"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for I knew that Santa would never lie.
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.
According to the latest db2 articles official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." -- David Letterman
Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. -- Grover Cleveland, 1905
I am not now and never java news brief::oci::october issue have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. -- Gloria Steinem
Bookstores will soon be stocking what's in your database? find out with the schema api in ado.net 2.0 a volume called "The Unsensuous Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
To Theodore Roosevelt: You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours. Mulay Hamid El Raisuli Lord of the Riff Sultan to the Berbers Last of the Barbary Pirates
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) Dear Sir, I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the learning center store the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. Yours faithfully, Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. Sevenoaks
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
Coito ergo sum
Clark jobs Kent is a transvestite.
Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman. -- Joseph Pulitzer
Treaty of Helsinki Signed HELSINKI, FINLAND -- A cease-fire in the flame war between Linux and FreeBSD has been reached. A group of two dozen Linux and FreeBSD zealots met in Helsinki to ratify a treaty bringing a temporary end to the hostile fighting between both camps. "Today is a good day for peace," one observer noted. "Now both sides can lay down their keyboards and quit flaming the opposing side on Usenet and Slashdot." The cease-fire is a response to the sudden increase in fighting that has occured over the past two weeks. The Slashdot server became a victim of the cross-fire this week when thousands of Anonymous Cowards and Geek Zealots posted inflammatory comments that amounted to, "My OS is better than your OS!" Many nerds, suffering withdrawl symptoms when the Slashdot site slowed to a crawl, demanded that the bickering stop. "I can't take it anymore! It takes two minutes to download the Slashdot homepage -- assuming the site is actually online. I must have my 'News for Nerds' now! The fighting must stop," one Anonymous Coward ranted.
Misfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!" -- Daniel Hinojosa
Why doesn't everybody instructor-led courses leave everybody else the hell alone? -- Jimmy Durante
He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to read satisfaction guaranteed, or your linux virginity returned intact.
Du lernst den Baum kennen, wenn Du Dich an ihn lehnen willst. -- aus Zaire
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure. -- Milt Barber
A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl who uses bad words?" "Who told you?" "A little bird," answered the mother. "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been feeding the little bastards, too!"
"`Er, hey Earthman...' `Arthur,' said Arthur. `Yeah, could you just sort of keep this robot with you and guard this end of the passageway. OK?' `Guard?' said Arthur. `What from? You just said there's no one here.' `Yeah, well, just for safety, OK?' said Zaphod. `Whose? Yours embedded processor and system-on-chip quick reference guide or mine?'" - Arthur drawing the short straw on Magrathea.
"What was the self-sacrifice? " "I jettisoned half of a much loved and I think irreplaceable pair of shoes. " "Why was that self-sacrifice? " "Because they were mine! " said Ford crossly. "I think we have different value systems. " "Well mine's better. " "That's according to your... oh never mind. "
Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze - Hellman's Mayonnaise
If Microsoft news > post > entry form uses the breakup as an opportunity to port Office, and its infernal Dancing Paper Clip, to my Linux operating system, heads will fly! I'll track down that idiot who created Clippit and sic a killer penguin on him! -- Linus Torvalds, when asked by Humorix for his reaction to the proposed Microsoft two-way split
Fry: "You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief or a lion tamer."
Microsoft is not the Borg collective: The Borg collective has proper networking.
small, adj.: Is it in yet?
"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" "Uh, not right now." "Tsk. A girl has or1cedar to have some standards." -- "Real Genius"
Two Peace Corps doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that went along these lines: (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'" (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'" and this continued for quite sometime. Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is 'womb'" and trotted off. (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows." (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart underwater."
If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. -- T. Cheatham
happiness, n.: Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
"Yeah, I used to be into necrophelia, bestiality and sadism, but then I realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total welcome to eljonline (embedded linux journal online) indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. -- Tom Stoppard
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN. If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY. I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.
Bender: "I came here with a simple dream, a dream of killing all humans."
Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been disqualified from entering. Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?" "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered. "I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records? They *must* be wrong!" "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse parakeet with black trim." "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
If you're download java 2 platform, standard edition, v 1.4.2 (j2se) not very clever you should be conciliatory. -- Benjamin Disraeli
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." George W. Bush September 27, 1997
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
Nur firebird - relational database for the new millenium Pessimisten schmieden das Eisen, solange es heiss ist. Optimisten vertrauen darauf, dass es nicht erkaltet. -- Peter Bamm, dt. Shriftsteller 1897-1975
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, In all of the directions it can whiz; As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, How amazingly unlikely is your birth; And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one damn thing over and over. -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
vagina, n.: The box a penis comes in.
"Really ?? What a about ibm - united states coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore."
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean Vernon
Hear that... the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
Hear about... the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl db2 sql server oracle migrate behind the station?
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: (1) You can enjoy a beer all month. (2) Beer stains wash out. (3) Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. (4) Beer never makes you wait. (5) A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. (6) Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family". (7) A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. (8) Beer doesn't demand equality. (9) Beer labels come off without a fight. (10) Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and asktom the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
Confucious say: technical topics - web services woman's irginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip database and the zip.
" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..." -- Steven Wright
Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each... [reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing -- NY Times
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. -- George W. Bush jr.
Real Users never use the Help key.
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have redhat its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. -- Oscar Wilde
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight tablesi of a police car is probably parked.
Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan? A: A rebel without a clue.
Don't be humble ... you're not that great. -- Golda Meir
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board -- Mark Twain
Ich bin sicher: Wenn es damals schon Fernsehen gegeben hätte, hätte Hitler nicht funktioniert. In der Großaufnahme hätte er komisch gewirkt. -- reading a list of metadata collections using oledb Claude Chabrol
Egotist, n.: A weblogs by subject (aka topic) person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot hot topic: carrier grade linux roast with an option to buy.
Q: What can you use used tampons for? A: Tea bags for vampires.
QOTD: I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
Booting is not a repair technique. -- from the products E-mu Emax manual
Another nun joke!!! You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you." In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate farewell is consummated between the sheets. As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. -- topical articles, news and juicy gossip (thefreecountry.com) John Ciardi
Jargon Coiner (#8) An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon that we've just made up. * STAR SPINOFFS: Applying themes and ideas from "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" to contemporary events. Examples: "Let the Source be with you!", "Microsoft is the Evil Empire", "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated by Microsoft". * TRADEMARKIZATION(tm): Giving a phrase special meaning by appending a trademark symbol to it. Examples: "Think Free Speech, Not Free Beer(tm)", "Real Soon Now(tm)", "Blue Screen of Death(tm)"
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire Jack Frost ripping up your nose Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire And folks dressed up like buffaloes Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow Helps to make the season right Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out Will find it hard to see tonight They know that Santa's on his way He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh And every mother's child is sure to spy To see if reindeer really scream when they die And so I'm offering this simple phrase To kids from one to ninety two Although it's been said many times, many ways Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
Schapiro's Explanation: The grass is always greener on the websphere for z/os v5 connectivity handbook other side -- but that's because they use more manure.
My behaviour is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic co-dependency. I need holistic healing and wellness before I'll accept any responsibility for my actions. -- Calvin
Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't. -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
Gordon's first law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
Census Taker to Housewife: java news brief::oci::february issue Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." -- Frank Zappa
It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. -- Havelock Ellis
Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun. The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes." "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?" "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away. The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?" "25." "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
Be careful! send feedback Is it classified?
Husten kann böse Folgen haben, vor allem im Kleiderschrank.
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." George W. Bush December 6, 1993
Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.
People who have what they want are very free security, privacy and anonymity resources (thefreecountry.com) fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. -- Ogden Nash
If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. If they can, then fuck 'em.
QOTD: "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
I would have made a good articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml pope. -- Richard Nixon