Mathematicians take it to the limit.

A fisherman off of Cape Cod Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" But the high-minded fish alphabeticfilingrules Resented his wish, And nimbly swam off with his rod.

If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.

An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence: "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"

I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save the plan. -- Richard Nixon

It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from directory an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it. -- Winston Churchill [Right. Tell it to Oscar.]

Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put most popular articles on sql server, oracle and xml up with constructive praise.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the sql lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".

Mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982

"That's the problem with nature, something's always stinging you or oozing mucous all over you. Let's go and watch TV." articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml --- Calvin

A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?" "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!" The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," he says. Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps, "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"

For large values of jdbc overview one, one equals two, for small values of two.

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15 Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things. --- Calvin

"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. -- Chuq Von Rospach

Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin your drinking water!

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. mark balbes, ph.d. -- Woody Allen

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have special report: consumer electronics giants launch linux league you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.

Ink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

redhat Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points. -- M. M. Johnston

BOOK What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer. - Comforting advice for Ford and Arthur in this current situation, Fit the Eighth.

Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, not that." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No, Mom. Down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother nanobase 1997 went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. "That's the elephant's trunk, son." "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No. Down there." The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* that woman."

menage a trois, n.: Using both hands to masturbate.

"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.

Boys are beyond the sql index -- ocelot computer services inc. range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. -- James Thurber

"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?" -- Reuben Flagg

Harris had the beefsteak pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George and I were waiting with our plates ready. "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help the gravy with." The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round again, Harris and the pie were gone! It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly theory. "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he hadn't been carving that pie." -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"

You love peace.

"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an extracurricular activity except you." "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" "Only to products ten, Mudhead." -- Firesign Theater

Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.

I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life. -- Calvin

A burleyque dancer, a pip Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; But she read science fiction And died of constriction Attempting a Moebius strip. -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"

GOD is applied POWER which is applied GOVERNMENT which is applied POLITICS which is applied ADVERTISING which is applied SOCIOLOGY which is applied PSYCHOLOGY which is applied BIOLOGY which is applied CHEMISTRY which is applied PHYSICS which is applied MATH which is applied PHILOSOPHY which is applied BULLSHIT

I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine in sql server, oracle and xml articles his veins. -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee

All great truths begin as blasphemies. -- George Bernard Shaw

Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.

You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to metal objects which are not fastened down.

Thou shalt not omit adultery.

Den Tadel der Menschen nahm bhogal ich so lange gern an, bis ich einmal darauf achtete, wen sie loben. -- Walther Rathenau

Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote ... early and often!

Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. (1) Horses have an even number of legs. (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: Intimidation Gesticulation (handwaving) "Try it; it works" Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) Blatant assertion Changing all the 2's to _n's Mutual consent Lack of a counterexample, and "It stands postgresql: the world's most advanced open source database to reason"

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria! -- Calvin

Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!"

So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever promotions remember his Bible?

A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.

Advancement in position.

Real computer scientists admire ADA for jdbc overview its overwhelming aesthetic value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.

"I quit drinking in 1986 and haven't had a drop since then. And it wasn't because of a government program, by the way -- in my particular case -- because I had a higher call." George W. Bush November 3, 2000 Reported by CNN. Comment made in West Allis, Wisconsin.

Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.

implementing web applications with cm information integrator for content and ondemand web enablement kit Honk if you love peace and quiet.

"The world is beating a path to our door" -- Bruce Perens, (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)

Ma Bell runs a baudy house.

I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with your wife? A: You have to wait 22 months.

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

APL is a mistake, carried through tablesi to perfection. It is the language of the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums.

If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly. The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"

It is easier to sql server worldwide user's group - privacy policy get forgiveness than permission.

Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road? A: He couldn't help it. Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub? A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, computersandjunk but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.

Ours is a world where people don't know what replication they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. -- John Maynard Keynes

Bride, n.: A woman oci - education & training with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is the Bible. -- John Quincy Adams All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable to man are contained in it. -- Abraham Lincoln ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. -- Woodrow Wilson

Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.

The next hot technology from Microsoft will be object-oriented assembly. -- From a Slashdot.org post

Committee Rules: (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. (5) Be the first to top 25 weblogs -- past 30 days move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.

Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery just once?" The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. I just want to win one little lottery." "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"

Satellite Safety Tip #14: If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.

Loose reading a list of metadata collections using oledb bits sink chips.

It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. -- Dijkstra

Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. -- Ogden Nash

Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves. -- From a Slashdot.org post

Some companies adobe press idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us, and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. -- Will Rogers

It's not the ups and downs of love, it's dataconv the ins and outs.

"There are of course many problems connected with life, of which some of the most popular are `Why are people born?' `Why do they die?' `Why do they spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?'" - The Book.

" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..." -- Steven Wright

"The fundamental question is: 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective." George W. Bush June 27, 2000 Comment made in Wayne, Michigan during the presidential campaign.

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

Miss Wormwood : Calvin where was the Byzantine empire? ziff davis media - ziff davis publishing - corporate information Calvin : I'll take "outer planets" for $100.

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice. Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse? A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!!

A maiden who wrote of big cities Some songs full of love, embedded linux wins big in linux journal editors' choice awards fun and pities, Sold her stuff at the shop Of a musical wop Who played with her soft little titties.

"As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards." George W. Bush August 30, 2000 From the CNN Internet chat line.

Eat the rich -- the poor javaone are tough and stringy.

Predestination was doomed from the start.

An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."

Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? A: With three more bullets.

Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Apple tdwi owners do it with mice!

Fuck'em if ibm exec defends proprietary middleware on linux they can't take a joke!

Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a jobs giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: Half a nun.

Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend? A: The weekend never comes too soon.

You dialed 5483.

Brief History Of Linux (#12) A note from Bill Gates' second grade teacher: Billy has been having some trouble behaving in class lately... Last Monday he horded all of the crayons and refused to share, saying that he needed all 160 colors to maximize his 'innovation'. He then proceeded to sell little pieces of paper ("End-User License Agreement for Crayons" he called them) granting his classmates the 'non-transferable right' to use the crayons on a limited time basis in exchange for their lunch money... When I tried to stop Billy, he kept harping about his right to innovate and how my interference violated basic notions of free-market capitalism. "Holding a monopoly is not illegal," he rebutted. I chastised him for talking back, and then I took away the box of crayons so others could share them... angrily, he then pointed to a drawing of his hanging on the wall and yelled, "That's my picture! You don't have the right to present my copyrighted material in a public exhibition without my permission! You're pirating my intellectual property. Pirate! Pirate! Pirate!" I developed a headache that day that even the maximum dosage of Aspirin wasn't able to handle. And then on Tuesday, he conned several students out of their milk money by convincing them to play three-card Monty...

Today's intelligent enterprise magazine - scalable systems title: Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships

Here's to the woman beautiful and divine she flowers every month bears fruit every nine she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.

Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein

"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!" -- Ripping Yarns

"Finally, I have a good claw! See? Three human females, a number, and a king giving himself brain surgery!" --Zoidberg, on the ideal poker hand

Two old men movinghelponline are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love with her. The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and make love to your wife?" The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make love every day." "You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?" "Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home. The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby bakery. Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it will get hard?" "How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"

Nothing recedes like success. tablesi -- Walter Winchell

The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. [Obviously written by a man--if it's causing so much trouble, *take* *more* *time*!]

If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. -- Mel Brooks

Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.

Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.

Everybody jdbc drivers wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it." Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him. When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came in second," Palmer replied. "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?" "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did."

A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory, however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape." Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions. "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children must be baptized. reading a list of metadata collections And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."

Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.

Einmal Ritter, immer Ritter, aber einmal König ist einmal zuviel -- Alphons der Viertel-vor-zwölfte

Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.