Der Mensch besteht aus zwei Teilen - seinem Gehirn und seinem Körper. Aber der Körper hat mehr Spaß. -- Woddy Allen
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the bhogal country was hopelessly trapped. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." -- Ronald Mabbitt
books & authors A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. -- Elbert Hubbard
Linus was the instructor of Hercules in music, but having one day reproved his pupil rather harshly, he roused the anger of Hercules, who struck him with his lyre and killed him. -- Bulfinch's Mythology
UNIX ist benutzerfreundlich . es ist nur etwas wählerisch... -- Walter Misar
brunette bush, n: The dark
I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of a frog jumping on my Breakfast. -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of them that it doesn't make any difference. -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know"
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat him last. -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without no middleman. sleepycat software: download -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
Nur Pessimisten schmieden das Eisen, solange es heiss ist. Optimisten vertrauen darauf, dass es nicht erkaltet. -- Peter Bamm, dt. Shriftsteller 1897-1975
Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a wong date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
"You know, how is The Force like duct tape? Answer: it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe promotions together." -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)
"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much." -- Augustine
A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man. "What happened to your car?" "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!" "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing yourself!" "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will access property editor - set allowbypasskey - for ms access databases go into his office and say to his secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And that's your chance, my boy."
Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street? A: Kick it over to Van Ness.
Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe? Calvin: The Horrendous Space Kablooie!
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had V.D. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Notes for a ballet, "The thefreecountry.com: privacy policy Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes ... -- Woody Allen
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
orafaq Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
"CmdrBurrito" Launches Slashdot.org Parody An anonymous hacker with the handle "CmdrBurrito" has launched a parody of the Slashdot "News for Nerds" site entitled Dotslash. Dotslash has the motto "Snooze for Slackers. Stuff that Scatters." It has fake news articles and ficticious reader comments. Some of the recent articles include "Bill Gates Wins Powerball Jackpot," "Linux 2.1.666 Released," and "Supercomputer Created from 8088 and cvs flat file text oracle export Z80 Computers." Rumor has it that "CmdrBurrito" plans to create parodies of other sites, including Linux Weekly News ("Linsux Weakly Snooze"), Freshmeat ("Deadmeat"), and Linux.org ("Linsux.org"). When asked about Dotslash, Slashdot webmaster Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda said, "No problem. I simply posted an article about it on Slashdot, and watched it die from the 'Slashdot Effect.' Six hours later, and it's still offline. I suspect Dotslash is running Windows NT. The mystery 'CmdrBurrito' character is probably a bored Microsoft employee."
A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
"Another world, another day, another dawn. "
Today's title: Creative Violence oci - education & training in Sexual Relationships
An amazon giantess named Dunne Let a midget screw her for fun. But the poor little runt Was engulfed in her cunt And re-born as the twin of his son.
Linux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Got Mole problems? Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona my bed. I calla the free spyware / adware / trojans / hijackers detection, prevention, removal (thefreecountry.com) manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I gonna back to Italy.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better than fried chicken, is it?" Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said: "I got to be dead honest, Roy." And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him. Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a oracle dump export migrate unload person who can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the finest I've ever had." -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
Schweine, die brutzeln, pfeifen nicht!
Laws of Serendipity: (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.
As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given tablesi them teeth.
Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan? A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the difference.
"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm free online programming documentation, tutorials, references and books (thefreecountry.com) not so sure."
"Do you smoke after sex?" "Why, do you know, I've never looked!"
Oliver's Law: Experience is something hot topic: mono and dotgnu you don't get until just after you need it.
The blacksmith told me before he died, And I have no reason to believe that he lied, That no matter how he tried, His wife was never satisfied! And so he built a bloody great wheel, Harnessed to a cock of steel, Two balls of brass were filled with cream, And the whole damn thing was driven by steam. Round and round went the bloody great wheel, In and out went the cock of steel, Till at last the maiden cried, "Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!" And now we come to the crucial bit -- There was no way of stopping it. And she was split from hole to hole, And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable. Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table. David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist. Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed! John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day. Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram, And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am". Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed! -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
Results 1 - 100 of about 431,000,000. Search products took 0.22 seconds. -- http://www.google.com/search?q=e
Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
My travel agent's an Oxford chap Who rolls his eyes when he speaks. I asked him about the Isle of Man For a journey of about six weeks. And this is what he said to me As he looked me right in the eye, "For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip Of Elephant Shit On Rye." A brand-new store just opened its door At the corner of 5th and Vine And I happened to be standing right outside When they turned on their neon sign. I heard a strange sound, I looked around, And that's when I almost died, They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
"I don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for his skeleton?" -Leela
He whom opens thee Windows what's in al's shed today? invites the bugs in.
Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP use these listings to locate free embedded linux resources on the web ... machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to linuxdevices.com -- search page work OK.
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
Q: What's the difference between hard and dark? A: It stays dark all night.
Runners do it alone.
"I am a living example of someone who took community on an issue and benefited from it." George W. Bush April 25, 2001 Speaking to John King of CNN.
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprieter, "How much to replace this, Ian?" The proprieter says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back." Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant."
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
necrophilia, n.: Dropping in for a cold one.
If you theacolyte have seen one city slum you have seen them all. -- Spiro Agnew
Earth men are real men!
Absentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in java news brief::oci::march issue the loss to humanity. -- H. L. Mencken
Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. -- Seen in a Ladies' Room at Harvard
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it." -- "Grendel", by John Gardner
three-bag ugly, adj: That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep it from howling. four-bag ugly, adj: When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
Sure, site help and of course I would vote for a woman for president! Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways. -- J. McCabe
"So here's a picture of reality: (picture of circle with lots of sqiggles in it) As we all know, reality is a mess." -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly linuxdevices.com - the embedded linux portal: polls and Associates)
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey.
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes down." So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
"I also have picked a secretary for Housing and Human Development --- Mel Martinez from the state of Florida." George W. Bush December 20, 2000 Announcing selection of a candidate for secretary of the Department of Housing and _Urban_ Development.
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee This visage meek and humble, And hear this confidential plea Voiced in reverent mumble: Give me Shylock, give me Fagin But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! -- Ansel Adams
Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game shower for the first time. embedded linux distributions quick reference guide His friends were surprised - "For twenty years", one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?" "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally decided to have the vagina removed." The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all these years?"
No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent". -- Greg Bear
Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. -- Grover Cleveland, 1905
So, your daughter was voted jdbc downloads and specifications "Most Likely to Conceive", and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!! Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
The Edsel. New Coke. Windows 2000. All mandatory case studies for bizschool students in 2020. -- Bear Giles (in a LinuxToday post)
When better women are metalssiding made, computer programmers will make them.
Dave Finton gazes into his crystal ball... July 2000: Government Issues Update on Y2K Crisis to American Public In a statement to all U.S. citizens, the President assured that the repairs to the nation's infrastructure, damaged severely when the Y2K crisis hit on January 1, is proceeding on track with the Government's guidelines. The message was mailed to every citizen by mail carriers via horseback. The statement itself was written on parchment with hand-made ink written from fountain pens. "Our technological progress since the Y2K disaster has been staggering," said the statement. "We have been able to fix our non-Y2K compliant horse carriages so that commerce can once again continue. We believe that we will be able to reinvent steam-powered engines within the next decade. Internal combustion engines should become operational once again sometime before the dawn of the next century." No one knows when the technological luxuries we once enjoyed as little as 6 months ago will return. Things such as e-mail, the Internet, and all computers were lost when the crisis showed itself for what it really was: a disaster waiting to happen. Scholars predict the mainframe computer will be invented again during the 24th century...
Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup.
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
"When we carry Iowa in November, it'll mean the end of four years of Clinton-Gore." George W. Bush August 22, 2000 Referring to the two-term president and vice president.
CAPRICORN embedded linux wins big in linux journal editors' choice awards (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
subpoena, n: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
Newlywed groom: Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer. You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, and weekends. I'm sorry. Newlywed bride: I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker. Groom: Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow through...
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted ... -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The Galaxy"
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. -- Jack Paar
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 CARTABLANCA: Bogart stars as the owner of a north jdbc documentation african nightclub that sells only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. -- Richard M. Nixon
... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower? -- Opus
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town? -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
Communists do it without class.
It's psychosomatic. You need a java news brief::oci::january issue lobotomy. I'll get a saw. -- Calvin
A lacklustre lady of Brougham Weaveth all night at her loom. Anon she doth blench When her lord and his wench Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
Frei ab 12 Jahren heißt, der Held kriegt das Mädchen. Frei ab 16 heißt, der Bösewicht kriegt das Mädchen. Frei ab 18 heißt, jeder Darsteller kriegt das Mädchen.
"I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- that's all." -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
You experts-exchange will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
Air is water with wisdomforce holes in it
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.
No matter how clever the hardware boys are, the software boys piss it away.
Bore, n.: A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea parallelism in websphere information integrator v8.2 in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Walter Winchell
Life is what happens to us while we're busy making plans. -- John Lennon
A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!
Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. Gentle Reader: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on microsoft access form resizer for ms access forms your face ...
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? -- Richard M. Nixon
"He free online wizards: create customized cgi scripts, php scripts, and javascripts for your website (thesitewizard.com) could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
Condense soup, not books!
Windows 2000 is more secure than Linux... Since the machine is offline half of the time because of crashes, it cannot be accessed globally, therefore producing higher security. -- From a Slashdot.org post
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml Zen master stays out of the way.
Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
Russia has abolished freebsd God, but so far God has been more tolerant. -- John Cameron Swayze
If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word "National". -- George Will
You are inside ibm db2 alphablox: an in-depth technical view of ibm db2 alphablox always busy.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -- Adlai Stevenson
"And Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your twentieth century garbage-making skills, we'd all be buried under twentieth century garbage." -Mayor
Confucious say: man and mouse the same, both single board computer (sbc) quick reference guide end up in pussy.
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]
Wer kämpft kann verlieren, wer nicht kämpft hat schon verloren!
Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game privacy policy cards. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
A virgin is chaste.
Bore, n.: A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Walter Winchell
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
The memory management in Windows 95 can be related technologies used to frighten small children.
Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
dbinfo Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
Know her mind and you can have her body, know her heart and you have her soul.