Birth, copulation and death. That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks; Birth, copulation and death. -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"

Hear about... the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated company -- the photocopier got access property editor - set allowbypasskey - for ms access databases drunk and tried to undo the typewriter's ribbon?

Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies. When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a black hat and a red neckerchief. The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian. He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but had just departed; usually after some heinous crime. One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man, with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to this man, his hands resting upon his guns. "Are you the man who killed my family, programacion raped my wife, burned my house and rustled my cattle?" "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit. "You better cut that shit out!"

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on payday. Stop wetting your bed.

Gnagloot, n.: A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people. sql server, oracle and xml articles -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

lagnaf, n.: Let's All Get database Naked And Fuck!

Hackathon Moose (or other Ex-Magnificent-Forest-Creature) Barbecue 30 cups oil 15 cups Soy sauce 5 cups Worcestershire Sauce 40 tsp dry mustard 20 tsp black pepper 10 cups lemon juice 10 cups white vinegar 80 cloves crushed garlic About 75 pounds of boneless meat (moose, deer, elk, beef - try chicken too). For reference this is roughly an entire large dressed (Alberta size) whitetail deer, with some moose and beef thrown in for good measure. I've never tried finding enough chickens for a hackathon. Mix all of the above together, and marinate meat for a few hours before grilling. Dribble marinade over meat while grilling. Also works well with vegetables on the grill, or meat and vegetable kebabs. The above proportions will require about 50 bell peppers and 25 large onions to make decent kebabs (for a large family meal, divide everything by about 20, and leave out the drunk Germans providing the ambience while you grill).

Klein bottle for sale eserver magazine ... inquire within.

Confucious say: man who streak unsuited for work.

We have no scorched earth policy. We have a policy of scorched Communists. -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982

Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge? A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!

Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you? Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius. -- Calvin

BUGLESS petefinnigan PROGRAM (n): see: Abstract Theoretical Concept.

Do you have lysdexia?

Clark portal Kent is a transvestite.

[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotency. -- Winston Churchill

Beware the one behind you.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

AC/DC is a rock band. -- Bisexuality, 101

A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's okay, the power and magic of lpg but the mole's ill.

Wem Du's heute kannst besorgen, den vernasche nicht erst morgen!

One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke. "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes." The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march to Poland three times and never invade?" The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."

Where do you want Bill Gates to go today? -- From a Slashdot.org post

Flappity, floppity, flip The mouse on the m"obius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip.

Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little a247 to be let out alone.

My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall and they stick. -- Johnny Bob

Japan, n: A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from which they are harvested by the happy natives.

sun microsystems Once upon a girl there was a time...

Hear me out. Linux is Microsoft's main competition right now. Because of this we are forcing them to "innovate", something they would usually avoid. Now if MS Bob has taught us anything, Microsoft is not a company that should be innovating. When they do, they don't come up with things like "better security" or "stability", they come back with "talking paperclips", and "throw in every usless feature we can think of, memory footprint be dammed". Unfortunatly, they also come up with the bright idea of executing email. Now MIME attachments aren't enough, they want you to be able to run/open attachments right when you get them. This sounds like a good idea to people who believe renaming directories to folders made computing possible for the common man, but security wise it's like vigorously shaking a package from the Unibomber. So my friends, we are to blame. We pushed them into frantically trying to invent "necessary" features to stay on top, and look where it got us. Many of us are watching our beloved mail servers go down under the strain and rebuilding our company's PC because of our pointless competition with MS. I implore you to please drop Linux before Microsoft innovates again. -- From a Slashdot.org post in regards to the ILOVEYOU email virus

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. -- John Kenneth Galbraith

My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars Reds and peyote to work out your bugs These are a few of my favorite drugs. Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs These are a few of my favorite drugs. Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys Users of heroin, often called junkies Methadone helps then to stop being thugs Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. On a bad trip When the cops come When I lose my head I simply take more of my favorite drugs And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!

I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking. -- Dudley Moore

It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's what you're taking for it...

"... all the modern inconveniences ..." -- Mark Twain

The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, "Send Lord Combermere." "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord Combermere a fool." "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." -- G.W.E. Russell

AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.

It's spelled Linux, but it's pronounced `Not Windows' It's spelled Windows, but the latest news & announcements about linux in embedded applications ... it's pronounced `Aieeeeeeee!' -- Shannon Hendrix

Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you dzwonki-polifonia are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." -- Victor Borge

Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to remain so. -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"

Q: How do jdbc drivers you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it! Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way!

Farmer Johnson was drunk again. "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens." Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows." Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."

Questionable day. Ask somebody something.

Liebe ist ein Märchen, das nicht mit Es war einmal beginnt, sondern damit endet

The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. -- Paul Erdman's Money Book

"Who would have though hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey?" -Leela free pascal and delphi libraries and source code (thefreecountry.com) "Actually..." - Fry

I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking. -- Dudley Moore

The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill. -- Mike O'Dell

Georgia: Where kinky sex means getting laid.

There's a vas deferens between men and women.

Leela: "We've blown out one of our engines." Fry: "Fix it, fix it, fix it, embedded linux wins big in linux journal editors' choice awards fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix it!"

After we made news > post > entry form love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. -- Joan Rivers

"That's one small weblogs by subject (aka topic) step for Fry..." -Fry "...and one giant line for admission." -stranger in line

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." George W. Bush September 27, 1997

A whimsical fellow named Bloch Could beat the base cdtext drum with his cock. With a special erection He could play a selection From Johann Sebastian Bach.

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. -- Jonathon Swift

I liked things better when I didn't understand them. -- Calvin

Old soldiers never sun microsystems - developer home die. Young ones do.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. -- Tallulah Bankhead

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. -- Plato

A pretty wife what ibm has in store living in Tours Demanded her daily amour. But the husband said, "No! It's to much. Let it go! My backsides are dragging the floor."

Champion Pet Show Today Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask

"Plaese porrf raed." write results of sql select statement to an outfile -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. -- Jack Handley

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up every bird watcher in the country. -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972

Hear about... the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?

Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life, End over end, not to the left or the right, Straight through the middle of those righteous uprights! Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life. Send down our brothers who've gone on before; With their assistance, we'll rack up the score! The help of the angels, I think, would be fine, As long as you put them in the Steelers' front line!

"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time free online wizards: create customized cgi scripts, php scripts, and javascripts for your website (thesitewizard.com) I went out, I never came back."

Great Lover, n.: A man who can breathe through his ears.

Some people seem to think that "damn" is the learning center store God's last name.

If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn. -- Dorothy Parker

Bender: "Oh my God, I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants."

Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.

"So I decided that if the architecture is fundamentally sane enough, say it follows i'm hung up on main memory databases some basic rules like it supported paging, then I would be able to say, yes, Linux fundamentally supports that model." -- Linus Torvalds on Portability (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)

Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates search upward through bureaucracies.

You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.

Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)

Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"

"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" "Not in California."

Originelle tablesi Formulierungen sind noch nicht originelle Einsichten. -- Ludwig Marcuse

Es gibt Wichtigeres im Leben, als bestaendig dessen Geschwindigkeit zu erhoehen. -- Mahatma Gandhi

Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.

So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive", and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?

"Every jdbc downloads and specifications morning I wake up. And when I wake up I go to the Oval Office." George W. Bush January 5, 2001 Town Hall Meeting in Ontario, CA. Source: C-SPAN.

For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill, Each had a buck and a quarter! Jill came down, With two and a half, You think they went for water?

Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the black. -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"

Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Hanson's Treatment grant of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? A Dan Quayle watch.

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

rejection, n.: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

ociweb !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH

Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.

Warum soll die Polizei den ganzen Spaß alleine haben? BEWAFFNET DAS VOLK!

"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it." George W. Bush October 17, 2000 Comments from St. Louis, freshlinks Missouri Presidential Debate.

I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole ____BODY! -- from "Cerebus" #82

Im Wald da stehen Bäume und dazwischen Zwischenräume

Boston: An outdoor steamboat Betty Ford Clinic.

Revenge is sleeping q&a: ibm's leblanc on websphere plans with your enemy's wife. Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.

"Some things don't need the thought people give them." -Hobbes

Strategie ist das, was man will - Taktik ist das, was man bekommt.

Das Leben ist zu ernst, hot topic: books on embedded linux um es ernst zu nehmen...

Texan: A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.

Windows hasn't increased computer literacy. It's just lowered the standard. -- From a Slashdot.org post

Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? A: Yes, up to isomorphism!

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. -- William Blake

Remember, dba-oracle when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to slap them silly.

Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.

First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional, Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional, Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original. Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer, You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight, Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate! Doin' the Vatican Rag. So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen, Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman, Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria, And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya, Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag! -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"

Halb besoffen ist rausgeworfenes Geld!

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

pearson corporate sales macho, adj.: Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House. -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960

"I know the human being and fish can coexists peacefully." George W. Bush September 29, 2000 Comment made in Saginaw, Michigan during presidential campaign.

You will be recognized and honored as a what's in dave's spare room? community leader.

World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland, a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster. The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men! Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!" So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the

Dear Lord: I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On the other hand", again.

Schön, ich hab' Haare auf der Brust. Na und - Lassie etwa nicht?

Reality is a metalssiding cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.

"The dynamics of inter-being and mono logical imperatives in Dick and Jane : A study in psychic transrelational gender articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml modes". Academia, here I come. -- Calvin

"You saw the president yesterday. I thought he was very forward-leaning, as they say in event > view > summaries diplomatic nuanced circles." George W. Bush July 23, 2001 Referring to his meeting with President Vladimir Putin of Russia.

An ARPAnaut name of Corvette Had a fetish involving the net. As he fondled his IMP His cock went from limp To as hard as concrete which has set.

Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery.

An ARPAnaut name of Corvette Had a fetish involving the net. As he fondled his IMP His cock went from limp To as hard as concrete which has set.

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: news > post > entry form "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!" "Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?" "Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again. Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came to work. I feel like a bull!" His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting. "Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!" "Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..."

The Movement Formerly Known As Open Source The battle over the Open Source trademark is heating up. Software in the Public Interest and the Open Source Initiative both hold competing claims to the trademark. In order to put an end to the infighting, a group of free software advocates have founded the Association for the Movement Formerly Known as Open Source (AMFKOS) One AMFKOS founder said, "I find it ironic that a trademark representing free software is itself proprietary. This situation must change. We propose that the free software movement adopt another name besides 'Open Source'. Hopefully then we can all Get-Back-To-Coding(tm) instead of fighting over Bruce Perens' and Eric Raymond's egos." Rumor has it that Richard Stallman plans to mount a campaign to promote the phrase "GNU/Free Software" in place of "Open Source". In addition, the terms "Ajar Source", "Unlocked Source", "Nude Source", "Unclosed Source", and "Just-Type-make Software" have all been proposed by various Usenet or Slashdot posters.

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