History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e., none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long

Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones infogoal can be just as effective.

She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way."

If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. java news brief::oci::may issue If they can, then fuck 'em.

Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.

Jargon Coiner (#8) An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon that we've just made up. * STAR SPINOFFS: Applying sponsor > view > logos themes and ideas from "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" to contemporary events. Examples: "Let the Source be with you!", "Microsoft is the Evil Empire", "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated by Microsoft". * TRADEMARKIZATION(tm): Giving a phrase special meaning by appending a trademark symbol to it. Examples: "Think Free Speech, Not Free Beer(tm)", "Real Soon Now(tm)", "Blue Screen of Death(tm)"

Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me! free security, privacy and anonymity resources (thefreecountry.com) -- Calvin

A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.

Are you sure the back door is locked?

write results of sql select statement to an outfile National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.

The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. -- Henry Kissinger

Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

forums Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan before he got all doughy.

A certain young person of Ghent, Uncertain if lady or gent, Shows his organs at large For a small handling charge To assist him in paying the rent.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart. The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, "Vive la France", while linuxdevices.com - the embedded linux portal: polls plunging the knife into his heart. The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"

On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than $283 on the desk before the cashier. "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That route never brought in money like this! What happened?" "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"

craigsmullins rugby, n.: A sport requiring leather balls.

The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. -- George Gobel

Tip of the day: The Windows 95 CD-ROM makes an excellent skeet shoot target.

Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.

Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan? A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the difference.

Boling's postulate: technical topics - web services If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way."

A responsive young girl from the East In bed was an able artiste. She had learned two positions From family physicians, And ten more from the old parish priest.

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

It's trivial to make fun of Microsoft products, but it takes a real man to make them work, and a god to make them do anything useful.

Hackers do it with text oracle extract txt all sorts of characters.

Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.

During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po dba ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o

The Edsel. New Coke. Windows 2000. All mandatory case studies for bizschool students in 2020. -- Bear Giles (in a LinuxToday post)

The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"

The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

free hard disk backup and restore, hard disk image and cloning utilities (thefreecountry.com) Knights are hardly worth it. I mean, all that shell and so little meat...

Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Microsoft is not the Borg collective: The Borg collective has proper networking.

It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's what you're taking for it...

My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked astring me as a friend. -- Rodney Dangerfield

Booze is the answer. products I don't remember the question.

Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." -- Robert Byrne

"Verbosity leads to unclear inarticulate things." George W. Bush November 30, 1996

"It's men like him that give articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml the Y chromosome a bad name."

Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

I don't need to movinghelponline compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway. -- Calvin

Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were playing a friendly game of Frisbee at the Gates estate on the shore of Lake Washington. At one point, Bill accidentally sends the Frisbee over Steve's head, and the Frisbee lands in the lake. Steve walks out onto the surface of the lake and retrieves the Frisbee. The next day the newspapers report: Gates' Throw Exceeds Expectations Apple CEO Unable to Swim

Professor: "If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be out of loop."

"I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." George W. Bush August 30, 2000 From an CNN online chat.

related technologies In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. -- Adlai Stevenson

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know"

Wow, the great ZDNET actually corrected a mistake! Of course, if they did that to all of Jesse Berst's columns, they'd lose 2/3 of their content... -- From a Slashdot.org post

Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, waiting for the funeral to pass like that." Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. use these listings to locate commercial products ... It was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, you know."

He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.

Ocean, n.: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills.

A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," the teller says. "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy paycheck?" -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984

America has been discovered before, jdbc[tm] connector but it has always been hushed up. -- Oscar Wilde

The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.

Wer schläft, sündigt nicht! Wer sündigt, schläft besser.

Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? A: A cheese grater.

ANAL ASEXUAL Astro B.C BANKHEAD BI BIO BORSCHT BRAINPAN BURRITO BURRITOS Barbie Bo Bonzo CARCRASH CASIO CHAINSAWS CHIVAS COM CORDOVANS COSELL CROATIAN Carlsbad Clift Cosell Cupcake DAIQUIRI DELI DIDI DISCO DISNEYWORLD DONUT DOUGHBOY Darvon Di Disco Donnie EDSELS EMOTE EUBIE Enema FALAFEL FISHNET FISHWICH FLEMMING FLOATATION FROLICSOME Feinstein GOLDIE GORRY GUCCIONE GUIDELIGHT Gibble Ginzberg HAIRPIECE HAWN HAYWORTH HITCHHIKING HOAX HOUSECAT Hmmm I.Q INTESTINAL Iranian JELL JELLO JILLIAN'S JULIENNED Jodie KATRINKA KNOCKWURST LBJ LING LONI LUGOSI Loni Lycra MALIBU MCMAHON MELBA MERYL MMM MOGULS MONTALBAN'S MOUSSE MSG MT MTV MYSTERIANS Macy's Meese Monkees NABOBS NAGEELA NEBULATION NICKLES NUTRA Niro OLFACTORY OMNIVERSAL OVULAR Osmond Osmonds PAISLEY PASTA PG Pharoahs Provolone R.V.'S RAPHAELITE RICARDO RITA Rom Roni SAGAN SANFORIZE SCHROON SCIENTOLOGIST SERBO SHOPLIFT SINATRA SKEE SODOMIZE SONTAG STREEP Safeway Slezak Spandex T.V TACO TAILFINS TALLULAH TINA TRANSSEXUAL TRYNEL Tenafly Tex Th Tylenol Uh VASELINE VELVEETA WESSON YEH YUBBA Yum ZIPPY Zippy Zippy's barbequeued chr co cranial creme devalue disco donut donuts dusenjet einem einige frolicking fuschia gladiatoren gothic graphisticator hors houseboy ich im jahr kidnapped lande laundromat laundromats lesbian li'l manicurist matic meatball meltdown naugahide obstetrician poindexter pre psilocybin quaaludes quadrophonic rieche s'posed scientology skintight skydiving solarium spielen telex th th'HOLIDAY th'MAMBO th'RAIN th'WRENCH th'cute thru thumbtack uh um urinate vaseline vor zzzzzzzzz

I went articles & white papers about linux in embedded applications ... into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. -- Rodney Dangerfield

The penis mightier than the sword.

Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do. -- Bertrand Russell

They don't suffer. They can't even speak English. -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's write for us question about the suffering of starving miners.

A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest girl there. "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie." "What's so special about this frog?" she asks. He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that, "This frog can eat pussy." The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action. She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker. "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!" By now, the girl is laughing openly. "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm only going to show you one more time."

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes down." So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!"

"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies." -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"

It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me." "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender answered sternly. "OK, OK. Serve freebsd the lady a cocktail with my compliments." The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would you like?" "Vinegar and water."

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -- Phyllis Diller

Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What should I do? A: jnb-aug-phx Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the whole net right away! -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette"

While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and then. We're trying to catch her." "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you carrying a bucket of sand?" "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."

Come home America. -- George McGovern, 1972

My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.

Lesbian QOTD: java news brief::oci::may issue I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.

Windows 95: Proof that P. sql server, oracle and xml articles for registered guests T. Barnum was right.

Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. -- David Ellis

Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.

seminars, n.: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, best-data-warehouse-online any half-assed discussion.

Someone whom you reject today, will reject wharton school publishing you tomorrow.

Bender: "Aw, I think I got whiplash." Leela: "You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck." Bender: "I meant ass whiplash."

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have extract oracle convert unload carpeting. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

Ever wondered why you always run out reeconveyors of breath when you throw up? Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?

Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.

A gentleman, otherwise meek, Detested with passion the leek; When offered one out He dealt such a clout community To the maid, she was down for a week. -- Edward Gorey

GOD is applied POWER which is applied GOVERNMENT which is applied POLITICS which is applied ADVERTISING which is applied SOCIOLOGY which is applied PSYCHOLOGY which is applied BIOLOGY which is applied CHEMISTRY which is applied PHYSICS which is applied MATH which is applied PHILOSOPHY which is applied BULLSHIT

Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help you?". The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please." "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would you like me to put it on your bill?" Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. -- Lyndon Baines Johnson

sqlserver I'm sorry I missed. -- Squeaky Fromme

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. -- Oscar Levant

It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? -- Elizabeth Carpenter

He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat -- scared it'd get serious.

"Our business model works even if all internet programacion software is free. How does Netscape's business model look? -- not so good." -- Bill Gates "Our business model works even if *ALL* software is free. How does Microsoft's business model look? -- not so good." -- the response from the Linux community

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -- Ogden Nash

wisdomforce Hear about... the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap, crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?

May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.

The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. -- Tom Lehrer

How doth the VAX's C compiler Improve its object code. And even as we speak does it Increase the system load. How patiently it seems to run And spit out error flags, While users, with frustration, all Tear their clothes to rags.

Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend? A: The weekend never comes too soon.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... database -- Carl Zwanzig

Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Oh, and have a nice day! -- Bryce Nesbitt '84

"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller than the both put together."

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."

Christian, n.: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs sponsor > view > logos of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

"Cleveland? beaconlaw Yes, I spent a week there one day."

Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you writing for sswug.org awake until noon.

Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more. -- Shakespeare

But scientists, who ought to know Assure us that it must be so. Oh, en let us never, never doubt What nobody is sure about. -- Hilaire Belloc

Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. -- Matt Groening

Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.

Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce dataconvert hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.

"The reason for the success of this somewhat communist-sounding strategy, while the failure of communism itself is visible around the world, is that the economics of information are fundamentaly different from those of other products." -- Bruce Perens, on Open Source software. (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)

But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"

Auch ein blinder Trinker findet mal einen Korn.

What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. freshlinks What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and all the weak: Christianity. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonight!!

But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.

You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such craigsmullins a pain in the ass.

Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. -- Germaine Greer

Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...

QOTD: articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."

Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? A: Age.

Chorus: Grandma got run over by a reindeer, Walking home from our house Christmas eve. You can say there's no such thing as Santa, But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! She'd been drinking too much eggnog, And we begged her not to go. But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, And incriminating claus-marks on her Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. He's been taking this so well. See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! They should never give a license, To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves! -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"

"Put the off button on." George W. Bush February 14, 2000 Advice to parents who have concerns about violence on television.

If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll topical articles, news and juicy gossip (thefreecountry.com) be the last car he ever lays down in front of. -- George Wallace

Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.

"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie